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Posts Tagged ‘suffering’

I have a little secret desire. No one knows it. No family, no friends, no virtual friends, not my therapist, nor my Dr. I will tell you what it is though, gentle reader. Here it is: I want to melt into oblivion. I want this Life to end, I also want this Death to end, I want it all to end. I am a flawed flawed human being, who does the best she can every moment, every day, and suffers, because in the end it’s my own attachment, my desire to not accept things as they are. Buddha knew. Life has suffering built into it. The origin of suffering is attachment. It is possible to end this suffering. They way to do that is the Eightfold path, a middle way. (no extremism) I’ve been walking that path the best I can, with what capacity I have. I am tired though, I want to lie down under a tree in the shadow, take deep breaths, and merge into nothingness. I want Nirvana, the Ultimate Reality, the True Freedom.

I want to dive from a tall mountain into a valley and disappear, as though I never existed, and never will.

Is suicide another path out?

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I dedicate this human birth to the goal of nirvana.

Oh, suffering, I bow to you today.

You have lead me to seek the ultimate reality.

Nirvana on a householder’s path, nirvana on a renunciate’s path,

two boats rowing toward the same shore.

Been sitting in the first boat, want to sit in the other one now.

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I can feel her slipping away,

she stumbles,

vomits,

weakens,

slows down,

thins down.

My heart is exploding with the sheer amount of grief it tries to contain.

Is it time to let her go, peacefully, quietly, snuggled into my lap, painlessly?

Is it time to help her in her suffering?

Is she suffering?

I can’t hold onto her, I know it, I feel it, I believe it.

My incessant attachment is the root cause of my tears, heaving, pain, sorrow, grief –

my suffering.

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