Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

I am shivering in the cold.

May I open your skin, crawl inside, wrap you around my body like a warm blanket?

I can hear the content in your voice, the Happiness.

It sickens me.


Why did you not choose me?

I am happy. For you.

Fly away.

Last night I listened to Ajahn Brahm’s dharma talk on Love. He said, most times when people think they love someone, they actually love the way that person makes them feel. He gave this little example. If you truly loved your partner and s/heĀ  runs away with the milkman, you should be very happy. I mean, isnt’ that love? That you want them to be happy? Well, now they are happy! Instead, you would probably not be happy at all. Why is that? Because you want them to be with you. But what if being with the milkman is what makes them happy? I thought, well, I’m not angry that S has chosen someone else. So, I’m okay. I truly do love S. Then it occured to me that I may not be angry but I sure am deeply sad. And why should that be? Isn’t it because I wanted him to choose me? Instead he chose someone else. If I truly love him, then I should be happy. I look within. I am happy that he is happy. I am also sad. I suppose I truly love him and also love the way I feel when he was around me.

Now, the possibility is gone.

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This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in saftey,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease!

Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings:
Radiating kindness over the entire world
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.

Not born again. Not born. Not.

I am on a middle-path, prescribed by a Buddha 2550 years ago. To one day extinguish like a flame that dies out, to be free of the cycles of birth & death, to be and to not be simultaneously.

Yesterday, I took the decision to leave R, my husband, at least temporarily. The web of abuse, anger, depression, inertia, unfairness that both of us were caught in needs to be broken. I do not know if we will reconcile. I do know that this time apart is necessary. May we both do some self-work and prioritize our lives and come together to make a permanent decision.

It is time to grow up. To be a responsible adult, live independently, and put my heart and soul into studying to be a therapist. It is time to learn to live with mySelf.

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A decision. Need time away from him and us. The “us” is falling apart. It’s all uphill, and contempt abounds. Need to figure out how to earn a living then move out, even if temporarily. This is no way to be in a marriage. Too explosive. Need/want a bubble of peace, time, quietness, serenity, and breathing space.

No more on the edge, unsure. Now, this is a difficult decision, but needs to happen.

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I am always at a juncture in my life. I know that this is Life, right here, right now, under my feet, yet I’m waiting for something to happen, some new day, for Life to truly begin. Why am I waiting? What for?

This marriage was a mistake. I admit it.

Now what?

Do I stay in it?

Separate and go our separate ways?

He doesn’t understand what this is about, to him it’s about not rocking the boat.

I love someone else. Always have. Never stopped loving him from the moment I made contact with him. Realistically, he will never be mine in this lifetime either. But I’d rather be alone, than in a marriage built on a faulty foundation.

I pray for presence of mind, mindfulness, wisdom, strength, and courage through this process.

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