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Posts Tagged ‘fear’

Move! Get up, go, forward, just do it.

Mulling, analyzing, caught in my story, attached to my bed.

If there was a mood monitor, like those heart rate monitors next to hospital beds, mine would be a flat line right now.

Stuck. Can’t. Get. Un Stuck.

Two days and nights sleeping then one staying awake all day and all night, then two days and nights sleeping, and so on.

Housework has made me sore like I ran a half marathon. Pathetic.

I still dream of you S, but much, much less than before. When you complain about your new wife, it re-affirms for me that you didn’t make the right choice. If you are happy with her, content, I may be able to let you go completely.

A singular emotion at the bottom of it all, Fear is running my life.

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worries lead to insomnia,

stress leads to worries,

procrastination leads to stress,

fear leads to procrastination,

fear (of failing) leads to perfectionism,

personality leads to fear of failing,

upbringing leads to fear of failing,

conditioning leads to fear of failing,

biology leads to fear of failing,

fear exists at that vortex where nature and nurture met each other happily,

all of this leads to that charcoal black hole called depression,

depression leads to suicidal ideations,

suicidal ideations lead to fantasies of escape (and nowhere else),

Unconditional acceptance from you brings me back to facing my fears,

facing my fears allows me to stop hiding,

to Be.

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