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Posts Tagged ‘Buddha’

Curled up

at my feet

in a ball

of grey

you sleep.

There was that time

when she did, too.

If there is a Truth

in this life

it is anicca.

She left that body

and left an imprint

of her presence

on my heart.

Will you?

Note: ‘Anicca’ is the Pali language word for ‘impermanence’.

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Statue of a sitting Buddha with a vase of orange lilies.

Serene

*This photo taken by my mom. Click to view the full image.

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I have a little secret desire. No one knows it. No family, no friends, no virtual friends, not my therapist, nor my Dr. I will tell you what it is though, gentle reader. Here it is: I want to melt into oblivion. I want this Life to end, I also want this Death to end, I want it all to end. I am a flawed flawed human being, who does the best she can every moment, every day, and suffers, because in the end it’s my own attachment, my desire to not accept things as they are. Buddha knew. Life has suffering built into it. The origin of suffering is attachment. It is possible to end this suffering. They way to do that is the Eightfold path, a middle way. (no extremism) I’ve been walking that path the best I can, with what capacity I have. I am tired though, I want to lie down under a tree in the shadow, take deep breaths, and merge into nothingness. I want Nirvana, the Ultimate Reality, the True Freedom.

I want to dive from a tall mountain into a valley and disappear, as though I never existed, and never will.

Is suicide another path out?

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This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in saftey,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease!

Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings:
Radiating kindness over the entire world
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.

Not born again. Not born. Not.

I am on a middle-path, prescribed by a Buddha 2550 years ago. To one day extinguish like a flame that dies out, to be free of the cycles of birth & death, to be and to not be simultaneously.

Yesterday, I took the decision to leave R, my husband, at least temporarily. The web of abuse, anger, depression, inertia, unfairness that both of us were caught in needs to be broken. I do not know if we will reconcile. I do know that this time apart is necessary. May we both do some self-work and prioritize our lives and come together to make a permanent decision.

It is time to grow up. To be a responsible adult, live independently, and put my heart and soul into studying to be a therapist. It is time to learn to live with mySelf.

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I dedicate this human birth to the goal of nirvana.

Oh, suffering, I bow to you today.

You have lead me to seek the ultimate reality.

Nirvana on a householder’s path, nirvana on a renunciate’s path,

two boats rowing toward the same shore.

Been sitting in the first boat, want to sit in the other one now.

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Paths of life

Did the Buddha say that to reach Nirvana, one has to take on the life of a renunciate and become a monk or nun? That is, is it possible, according to the Buddha, to reach Nirvana, be enlightened, while living the life of a householder? I do understand that after one is enlightened, one may live as a householder, or a renunciate, or neither… But I wish to know about the life of a person who is seeking enlightenment and his/her greatest desire is to seek an end to suffering? I imagine the answer is to reach Nirvana, one may either be a householder or a renunciate. Once you reach the other side of the shore, you have no need for the boat. Whether that boat was that of a householder, or a nun, or something else altogether. Yet, I’d like to get this knowledge from those who are experienced and speak with mindfulness.

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