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Which self?

Embracing my angry self

I scream

I yell

I retort

I explain

I argue

Embracing my depressed self

I cry

I sleep

I hide

I die

I shiver

Embracing my Buddha self

I witness

I observe

I feel

I meditate

I forgive

Embracing my non-self

I exist

discovery

Discovered today: Helping someone else, helps me. Doing something for a friend, helping her find a job, deal with some complicated issues, made me feel better too. It was a baby step out of my cocoon for me. And, after all, I am studying to be a counselor, so it was good practice.

Kind of a duh moment!

anhedonia

what do the experts call i t, anhedonia? yes, that’s how i feel (or don’t feel rather).

flat mood.

i do nothing.

but it’s another matter, that i have no desire to do anything either.

i am not severely depressed, not in the well. generally ok, laugh a little, sleep a lot, eat some, take care of myself some, of the house some. (the laughs are starting to feel made up more & more).

i am not normal, by any means, normal said with all the endnotes it needs. i am not efficient, i am not productive, i am not satisfied, i am not tired from work, i am not doing.

i am between those two. and yes, have been here before. familiar territory.

after lifelong depression, it starts to feel like a familiar coat or pair of pants that one knows every crease, touch, feel, fit, size, smell of too well.

there is a huge lack of desire to get out of this flat affect i am fighting, to take just one itty bitty tiny baby step in any direction is taking up more than i seem to be able to muster right now.

i could melt. just end. life, living, everything. and be fine. not out of any intense depression, no not out of wanting to die, just so tired of living.

if you, dear reader, have any advice, do comment.

Anicca

Curled up

at my feet

in a ball

of grey

you sleep.

There was that time

when she did, too.

If there is a Truth

in this life

it is anicca.

She left that body

and left an imprint

of her presence

on my heart.

Will you?

Note: ‘Anicca’ is the Pali language word for ‘impermanence’.

Statue of a sitting Buddha with a vase of orange lilies.

Serene

*This photo taken by my mom. Click to view the full image.

Planning to live

(Been so long, forgot you were here, forgot myself, but I was found.)

I live

vicariously

through you.

You paint, I plan to

You exercise, I jot it in my calendar

You apply, I bookmark

You do, I create to-dos

You cook, I survive

You clean, I manage

You are awake.

I sleep.

You live your life.

I strive to pause it,

for a moment,

to make sense of it all,

after which,

to begin

Living.

No more

I can feel your hold lifting off of me
I crave you no more

Words still pierce my heart.
Truth.

You preach and preach
Ego flourishing
Imagine yourself raised up higher than the rest of us

I look into your eyes
All I see is
a lost boy

This is the end, for me
for my attachment
for you.