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Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

You don’t have to tuck in your cold feet into your husband’s warm ones at night.

There are other options.

Wear warm socks.

Place a furry cat on top of your feet, make him comfortable, and wait till he curls up to take a nap.

Squeeze your toes into that fold behind your knee.

Entangle your feet in your blanket.

Heat a water bottle, and place it at the foot of the bed.

Turn on a vaporizer in the room.

Don’t ever think that you have only one choice.

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I can feel your hold lifting off of me
I crave you no more

Words still pierce my heart.
Truth.

You preach and preach
Ego flourishing
Imagine yourself raised up higher than the rest of us

I look into your eyes
All I see is
a lost boy

This is the end, for me
for my attachment
for you.

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Move! Get up, go, forward, just do it.

Mulling, analyzing, caught in my story, attached to my bed.

If there was a mood monitor, like those heart rate monitors next to hospital beds, mine would be a flat line right now.

Stuck. Can’t. Get. Un Stuck.

Two days and nights sleeping then one staying awake all day and all night, then two days and nights sleeping, and so on.

Housework has made me sore like I ran a half marathon. Pathetic.

I still dream of you S, but much, much less than before. When you complain about your new wife, it re-affirms for me that you didn’t make the right choice. If you are happy with her, content, I may be able to let you go completely.

A singular emotion at the bottom of it all, Fear is running my life.

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And as I gently toss and turn your words inside my head,
I see a thousand shades of hue.
A silken thread of thought, moving straight ahead, swoons around
and splits into two.
The enmeshed twigs of a magnolia,
your fingers intertwined in mine.
Two rivulets swirling together,
in an ocean of endless time.

Who wrote this? Do you know? Can you tell me?

Someone sent it to me a few years ago, and I didn’t ask him then. We went our separate ways since, and

now I can’t ask him.

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I am shivering in the cold.

May I open your skin, crawl inside, wrap you around my body like a warm blanket?

I can hear the content in your voice, the Happiness.

It sickens me.

whywhywhywhywhywhywhy

Why did you not choose me?

I am happy. For you.

Fly away.

Last night I listened to Ajahn Brahm’s dharma talk on Love. He said, most times when people think they love someone, they actually love the way that person makes them feel. He gave this little example. If you truly loved your partner and s/he  runs away with the milkman, you should be very happy. I mean, isnt’ that love? That you want them to be happy? Well, now they are happy! Instead, you would probably not be happy at all. Why is that? Because you want them to be with you. But what if being with the milkman is what makes them happy? I thought, well, I’m not angry that S has chosen someone else. So, I’m okay. I truly do love S. Then it occured to me that I may not be angry but I sure am deeply sad. And why should that be? Isn’t it because I wanted him to choose me? Instead he chose someone else. If I truly love him, then I should be happy. I look within. I am happy that he is happy. I am also sad. I suppose I truly love him and also love the way I feel when he was around me.

Now, the possibility is gone.


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An end and a beginning

Here, my marriage is on the verge of ending.

There, S is getting married, beginning a commitment, to someone he has met once, but believes that she is the piece of the puzzle that was missing.

Their family will be transformed from a triangle into a square.

I am alone.

I am so happy for him, wish him from my heart, want him to be happy in this marriage.

I am also so sad, the word “sad” cannot possibly contain the angst, the depth of my melancholy.

It was my fantasy, that sometime in the future, S and my paths would cross again, we would re-connect, he would realize that I am the one he is meant to be with after all.

What is missing for me is anger, and I don’t feel any. Do I need to feel anger to move toward total acceptance?

I leave it up to Rumi to explain my feelings for S, as they have always been, still are.

The minute I heard my first love story,

I started looking for you,

not knowing

how foolish that was.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.

They are in each other all along.

S, you were always in me, I was always in you. Still was, still am.

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Come back

When I walk past the deck door, I still glance out through the glass and look for my baby. Is she waiting by the door pawing at it? Does she want to be let in? Is she waiting patiently? It was me who took her to the vet more than six months ago to end her life. She was in visible pain, unable to eat, unable to even move much in the throes of kidney failure. Oh, the denial, the deep wrenching sadness, tears that are sitting at the edge of my heart but won’t spill. I miss my Billoo, my baby with a ferocious pain. Without thinking logically, I still wait for her to show up at my door. Maybe, just maybe, she will be there again and I will open the door and let her in and she will sit on my lap and purr and take my hand with her paw and place it on her heart and I will hug her and kiss her and she will fall asleep in my lap and warm me inside and outside and she will wake up and eat hungrily and lap up her water from a glass not a dish and watch the birds from the windows and terrorize the neighbor cats and I will love her and she will get inside my comforter and we will fall asleep back to back holding each other’s hands.

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I am addicted to translating poetry from Hindi to English and vice versa. Here’s a gem that was a part of the movie ‘Voh Lamhe‘ (‘Those moments’).

Why do I do this? I sense it fulfills a deep-seated need to bridge the gaps between the dual cultures I have grown up in and continue to straddle. A poem that I connect to in Hindi, and in English as well, makes sense to all of me, not just parts of me.

This song speaks of wanting to sleep a peaceful sleep. I too, long for that deep sleep, a contented sleep, and have been listening to this song in the middle of the night, converting it to a romantic lullaby for myself.

so jaaoon main
tum agar mere khwaabon mein aaon
mere khwaabon mein aaon

I would fall asleep if you appear in my dreams,
Appear in my dreams

kho jaaoon main
magar meri yaadon mein aaon
meri yaadon mein aaon

I would allow myself to be lost if you appear in my memories,
Appear in my memories.

jaagi nazar mein soyi nazar mein
har pal sanam tum jhilmilaaon

In wakeful sight, in slumberous sight
Sparkle in every moment, sweetheart

so jaaoon main
tum magar mere khwaabon mein aaon
mere khwaabon mein aaon

I would fall asleep if you appear in my dreams,
Appear in my dreams

kho jaaoon main
magar meri yaadon mein aaon
meri yaadon mein aaon

I would allow myself to be lost if you appear in my memories,
Appear in my memories.

meri khushi mein shaamil raho tum
iss zindagi mein shaamil raho tum

Be a part of my happiness,
Be a part of my life

yun toh hai laakhon armaan dil mein
mehfil mein jaan-e-mehfil raho tum

A million desires linger in my heart, so to speak
Remain the life-of-the-party at any gathering

hothon pe mere shaam savere
yun hi sanam tum muskuraaon

At dawn or dusk, on my lips,
Smile just like this, sweetheart

so jaaoon main
tum agar mere khwaabon mein aaon

mere khwaabon mein aaon
I would fall asleep if you appear in my dreams,
Appear in my dreams

kho jaaoon main
tum meri yaadon mein aaon
meri yaadon mein aaon

I would allow myself to be lost if you appear in my memories,
Appear in my memories.

banke sitara aankhon mein chamko
in aati jaati saanson mein mehko

Become a star, and light up my eyes,
May your fragrance be in all my breaths

bas jaaon aake tum meri jaan mein
dil banke mere seene mein dhadko

Come and stay in my Life,
Be a heart and throb in my chest

tum mujhko chaho baas mujhko chaho
saare jahaan ko bhul jaaon

Love me, love only me
Forget the entire world

so jaaoon main
tum agar mere khwaabon mein aaon
mere khwaabon mein aaon

I would fall asleep if you appear in my dreams,
Appear in my dreams

kho jaaoon main
tum agar meri yaadon mein aaon
meri yaadon mein aaon

I would allow myself to be lost if you appear in my memories,
Appear in my memories.

jaagi nazar mein soyi nazar mein
har pal sanam tum jhilmilaaon

In wakeful sight, in slumberous sight
Sparkle in every moment, sweetheart

so jaaoon main
tum agar mere khwaabon mein aaon
mere khwaabon mein aaon

I would fall asleep if you appear in my dreams,
Appear in my dreams

kho jaaoon main
tum agar meri yaadon mein aaon
meri yaadon mein aaon

I would allow myself to be lost if you appear in my memories,
Appear in my memories.

Film        Voh Lamhe (“Those moments”)
Directed by     Mohit Suri
Written by     Mahesh Bhatt (Story)
Starring     Shiney Ahuja, Kangna Ranaut
Music by     Pritam
Release date    September 29, 2006
Country     India
Language     Hindi
Singers     Kunal Ganjawala and Shreya Ghoshal

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He is oh so busy lately, sleeping not till 2 am, with work, his mom, lunches, vedic astrology, outings. No time for me, to talk to me.

And the one I live with swings between anger and lust and friendship. I feel tired around his energy.

I want to curl up and sleep a dreamless, content sleep.

I am so aimless, where is this life heading? I want to run away. Start over.

Sadness is creeping over me while I’m waiting for the medicine to do its’ thing.

Much metta to me, to all tonight.

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I am always at a juncture in my life. I know that this is Life, right here, right now, under my feet, yet I’m waiting for something to happen, some new day, for Life to truly begin. Why am I waiting? What for?

This marriage was a mistake. I admit it.

Now what?

Do I stay in it?

Separate and go our separate ways?

He doesn’t understand what this is about, to him it’s about not rocking the boat.

I love someone else. Always have. Never stopped loving him from the moment I made contact with him. Realistically, he will never be mine in this lifetime either. But I’d rather be alone, than in a marriage built on a faulty foundation.

I pray for presence of mind, mindfulness, wisdom, strength, and courage through this process.

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Billoo is my love, my sweetie, my guddu, my baby, my darling. I miss her dearly, her soft paws, her meows which were more like a baby’s wail, how she’d wake me up in the morning, that first night when she pulled my hand with her paw and pressed it against her belly to show me how she liked it at night-time, how she’d curl up between the two of us on our bed and claim the space as her own (“waaiiyy-ing if we accidentally brushed her), her curiousity and intelligence. I say “is” because she isn’t here in her body anymore, but that energy transformed itself into another life, her energy is still here in this Universe. Miss you, gudda.

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A deep quiet has taken over me, not an overwhelming melancholy, but a deep quietness. This poem was written by Gulzar-ji, and sung by Hemant-da, and picturized on Tanuja. I have translated it the way I have perceived the words. There’s a sense of loneliness in these lyrics, a desire, a longing, a regret.

Bas ek chup sii lagii hai

A quietness has taken over

Nahii.n udaas nahii.n

No, not sadness

kahii.n pe saa.Ns rukii hai, nahii.n udaas nahii.n

Somewhere, my breath is trapped, no, not sadness

bas ek chup sii lagii hai

A quietness has taken over

Ko_ii anokhii nahii.n aisii zi.ndagii lekin

Not extraordinary, but a life that

khuub na ho

is not splendid

mili jo –

the one that I have found

khuub milii hai.

Is plenty.

nahii.n udaas nahii.n

No, not sadness

bas ek chup sii lagii hai …

A quietness has taken over

Sahar bhii ye raat bhii dopahar bhii milii lekin

I was given dawn, this night too, also the day, but

hamii.n ne shaam chunii

I am the one who chose the evening

hamii.n ne –

I am the one

shaam chunii hai

who chose evening

nahii.n udaas nahii.n

No, not sadness

bas ek chup sii lagii hai …

Just, a quietness has taken over

Vo daasataa.N jo hamane kahii bhii

That story that I spoke of,

hamane likhii

I wrote,

aaj vo –

Today, I

khud se sunii hai

heard it from myself

nahii.n udaas nahii.n

No, not sadness

Bas ek chup sii lagii hai

A quietness has taken over

Nahii.n udaas nahii.n

No, not sadness

kahii.n pe saa.Ns rukii hai, nahii.n udaas nahii.n

Somewhere, my breath is trapped, no, not sadness

bas ek chup sii lagii hai

A quietness has taken over

Ko_ii anokhii nahii.n aisii zi.ndagii lekin

Not extraordinary, but a life that

khuub na ho

is not splendid

mili jo –

the one that I have found

khuub milii hai.

Is plenty.

nahii.n udaas nahii.n

No, not sadness

bas ek chup sii lagii hai …

A quietness has taken over

Sahar bhii ye raat bhii dopahar bhii milii lekin

I was given dawn, this night too, also the day, but

hamii.n ne shaam chunii

I am the one who chose the evening

hamii.n ne –

I am the one

shaam chunii hai

who chose evening

nahii.n udaas nahii.n

No, not sadness

bas ek chup sii lagii hai …

Just, a quietness has taken over

Vo daasataa.N jo hamane kahii bhii

That story that I spoke of,

hamane likhii

and wrote too,

aaj vo –

Today, I

khud se sunii hai

heard it from myself

nahii.n udaas nahii.n

No, not sadness

Bas ek chup sii lagii hai

A quietness has taken over

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Can I have a cupful of Love?

Oh, and could you make that Unconditional please?

How much will that be?

Oh, you want me to be a responsible, normal, typical wife in return?

Earn a good living, have babies on time, love and respect your parents?

I will try to do that.

But don’t forget what I ordered!

You are out of Unconditional Love today?

What? You never had it on the menu to begin with?

But, I was promised.

Do you know who carries it?

Oh, you do have it?

Wait! This isn’t the way I ordered it!

It’s not Unconditional!

You may say it is, but it’s not!

I shall not pay for this, I refuse to give you what I promised in return.

Is there no way to re-do this order?

Fine.

I’ll look for it elsewhere.

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Purposeful dreaming

I made myself dream of you last night.

Does that make me a bad girl?

I wasn’t sleepy.

I lied down, closed my eyes, turned off all the lights and sounds.

I pictured you and me together, talking, smiling.

We held hands.

We laughed.

I know I was sleeping next to someone else.

Yet, I felt pure, my love for you is pure, honest, innocent.

Like fresh rain, like clouds, like a little animal’s love.

Now, tell me, can fresh rain ever be bad?

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Paddy paws

My baby is gone.

The dam is threatening to burst.

I build it higher and higher with any other distraction I can muster up.

Her touch, her eyes, her mischief, her baby meows, her soft paddy paws.

What is on the other side of the dam?

What is it holding back?

Maybe grief that will drown me in itself.

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Deepest desires

I want to touch you,

touch your skin, your hair, your hands, your lips,

and your soul.

This unseen desire found its way into your psyche.

You touched me.

I do not regret for the past.

Sometimes, I wish for a parallel universe, an alternate reality,

where you and I walked this road called life,

together,

hand in hand,

fingers and lives intertwining.

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yooN zindagi ki raah meiN takra gaya koi
ik roshni andher mein bikhra gaya koi

wo haadsa wo pehli mulaaqaat kyaa kahoon
itni ajab thi soorat-e-haalat kya kahoon
wo kehar wo ghazab wo jafa muJko yaad hai
wo uski berukhi ki adaa muJhko yaad hai
mittha nahin hai zehan se yoon chaa gaya koi
yooN zindagi ki raah meiN takra gaya koi

Haadsa: Accident, Calamity, Episode, Misfortune, Occurrence, Tragedy
Mulaaqaat: Encounter, Interview, Meeting, Visit
Ajab: Amazing, Astonishing, Curious, Marvelous, Rare, Strange, Surprise, Wonder, Wonderful, Vanity
Soorat-e-Haalaat: Condition of the Face, Beauty
Kehar: Lion, In this context, Pride(?)
Ghazab: Rage, Tantrum, Wrath
Jafaa: Oppression, Unfaithful, Injustice, Injury, Violence
Berukhi: Aloofness Caused By Anger, Ignorance, Indifference
Zehan: Mind, Thought

pehle wo muJhko dekhkar barham si ho gayee
phir apne hi haseeN khayaloN meiN kho gayee
bechargi pe meri usse reham aa gaya
shaayad mere taDapne ka andaaz bhaa gaya
saansoN se bhi kareeb mere aa gaya koi
yooN zindagi ki raah meiN takra gaya koi

Barham: Anger, Upset
Khayaal: Care, Imagination, Judgement, Opinion, Respect, Remember, Thought, Whim
Bechaargi: Helplessness
Rahamat: Benevolence, Kindness
Andaaz: Genre, Manner, Mode, Type, Style, Way
Bhaana: To be approved (of), to be acceptable (to, -ko), be pleasing (to), to please; to be beloved, be held dear; to suit, fit, become; to seem good or befitting

yoon usne pyaar se meri baahOn ko choo liya
manzil ne jaise shaakh ke raahon ko choo liya
ik pal meiN dil pe kaise qayamat guzar gayi
rag rag mein uske husn ki khusboo bikhar gayi
zulfon ko mere shaan pe lehraa gaya koi
yooN zindagi ki raah meiN takra gaya koi

Shaakh: Branch, Bough, Dilemma, Difficulty, Objection, Offshoot, Province
Qayaamat: Flood, Deluge
Rag: Nerve, Vessele, Veins
Shaan: Dignity, Elegance, Eminence, Glory, Grandeur

ab is dil-e-tabaah ki haalat na poochiye
benaam aarzoo ki lazzat na poochiye
ik ajnabi tha rooh ka armaan ban gaya
ik haadsa tha pyaar ka unwaan ban gaya
manzil ka raasta muJhe dikhla gaya koi
yooN zindagi ki raah meiN takra gaya koi

Tabaah: Corrupt, Depraved, Destroy, Ruined, Spoiled, Wretched
Dil-e-Tabaah: Wretched heart
Lazaat: Taste, Deliciousness, Joy, Pleasurable Experience, Relish, PleasureEnjoyment, Flavour
Rooh: Soul, Spirit, Life, Essence, Divine Revelation
Armaan: Desire, Keenness, Longing, Yearning, Wish
Unwaan: Form, Headline, Label, Legend, Preface, Start Of Chapter, Title

*Translated words courtesy of http://ekfankaar.wordpress.com a wonderful, wonderful site of hindi/urdu ghazals & songs.

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Confusion abounds. R pushes my boundaries, I push his, he grows (a little), I grow (a little), he is not a hindrance to my spiritual growth, he is also not encouraging me on my path of spiritual growth, nothing is wasted, everything is fodder for my growth, all the arguments, contempt, hatred he feels toward me, I can use as fodder to grow from. Yet, I don’t want to be here. I am overwhelmed, exhausted, drained from this relationship. This up and down and up and down and up and down relationship. I love him as a part of this creation. I don’t have to live with him though.

Do I stay or go? Do I go temporarily? Where do I go?

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while you were pursuing one wounded woman after another, consoling her, encouraging her, supporting her, being betrayed by her, saving her, financing her, loving her, making love to her, praying for her, demonizing her, scolding her, mothering her, fathering her, deityfying her, begging her, curing her, being manipulated by her, reading to her, crying for her, losing her, finding her, meditating for her, writing to her, suffering for her, being confused by her, losing your sanity over her,

i was here,

waiting,

for you.

i did not require nor wanted to be saved.

you were ambivalent at best when i asked about us in a relationship.

i compromised.

your marital search is returning no results.

you won’t compromise.

who you want, you won’t find.

what you think you want has never been good for you.

if you truly wanted a synchronous unconditional mutual fulfilling spiritual poetic truthful authentic playful generous love, you might have given me: a chance.

not that half-hearted morning after the soul touching night that we made love.

here we are.

you continue your fruitless search.

i learn to live with and love another, while loving you.

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simultaneous love

now i’m falling in love with you again.

this reconnection between us

fills me up and empties me at the same time.

i can love you physicallymentallyemotionallysocially

but, not spiritually.

that bond is reserved for him.

i knew the minute i read the first sentence written by him

he is me, and i, him.

we are not separate, but one soul, splintered into two bodies.

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