Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

I re-surface.

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There is no I anymore.

This birth is ready to dissolve into nothingness.


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Today I started a day treatment program at the suggestion of my psychiatrist for depression and other assorted issues of my life. It’s not as bad as I thought it’d be. In fact, it’s good. Group therapy, psychoeducational groups, eventually meeting a therapist and psychiatrist there too. And structure in my life. 9 AM to 3:15 PM every day.

Why did no one tell me about this option earlier? I wasted a lot of time hiding and escaping into my own world.

I watched my tendency to want to help others, help people who are in group there, as usual forgetting that I myself am there to make some changes in my life.

We did a SoulCollage session, I liked it, will upload a photo of mine soon.

One little step to move toward a life of my own.

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I have a little secret desire. No one knows it. No family, no friends, no virtual friends, not my therapist, nor my Dr. I will tell you what it is though, gentle reader. Here it is: I want to melt into oblivion. I want this Life to end, I also want this Death to end, I want it all to end. I am a flawed flawed human being, who does the best she can every moment, every day, and suffers, because in the end it’s my own attachment, my desire to not accept things as they are. Buddha knew. Life has suffering built into it. The origin of suffering is attachment. It is possible to end this suffering. They way to do that is the Eightfold path, a middle way. (no extremism) I’ve been walking that path the best I can, with what capacity I have. I am tired though, I want to lie down under a tree in the shadow, take deep breaths, and merge into nothingness. I want Nirvana, the Ultimate Reality, the True Freedom.

I want to dive from a tall mountain into a valley and disappear, as though I never existed, and never will.

Is suicide another path out?

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I am shivering in the cold.

May I open your skin, crawl inside, wrap you around my body like a warm blanket?

I can hear the content in your voice, the Happiness.

It sickens me.


Why did you not choose me?

I am happy. For you.

Fly away.

Last night I listened to Ajahn Brahm’s dharma talk on Love. He said, most times when people think they love someone, they actually love the way that person makes them feel. He gave this little example. If you truly loved your partner and s/heĀ  runs away with the milkman, you should be very happy. I mean, isnt’ that love? That you want them to be happy? Well, now they are happy! Instead, you would probably not be happy at all. Why is that? Because you want them to be with you. But what if being with the milkman is what makes them happy? I thought, well, I’m not angry that S has chosen someone else. So, I’m okay. I truly do love S. Then it occured to me that I may not be angry but I sure am deeply sad. And why should that be? Isn’t it because I wanted him to choose me? Instead he chose someone else. If I truly love him, then I should be happy. I look within. I am happy that he is happy. I am also sad. I suppose I truly love him and also love the way I feel when he was around me.

Now, the possibility is gone.

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Paths of life

Did the Buddha say that to reach Nirvana, one has to take on the life of a renunciate and become a monk or nun? That is, is it possible, according to the Buddha, to reach Nirvana, be enlightened, while living the life of a householder? I do understand that after one is enlightened, one may live as a householder, or a renunciate, or neither… But I wish to know about the life of a person who is seeking enlightenment and his/her greatest desire is to seek an end to suffering? I imagine the answer is to reach Nirvana, one may either be a householder or a renunciate. Once you reach the other side of the shore, you have no need for the boat. Whether that boat was that of a householder, or a nun, or something else altogether. Yet, I’d like to get this knowledge from those who are experienced and speak with mindfulness.

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A decision. Need time away from him and us. The “us” is falling apart. It’s all uphill, and contempt abounds. Need to figure out how to earn a living then move out, even if temporarily. This is no way to be in a marriage. Too explosive. Need/want a bubble of peace, time, quietness, serenity, and breathing space.

No more on the edge, unsure. Now, this is a difficult decision, but needs to happen.

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He is oh so busy lately, sleeping not till 2 am, with work, his mom, lunches, vedic astrology, outings. No time for me, to talk to me.

And the one I live with swings between anger and lust and friendship. I feel tired around his energy.

I want to curl up and sleep a dreamless, content sleep.

I am so aimless, where is this life heading? I want to run away. Start over.

Sadness is creeping over me while I’m waiting for the medicine to do its’ thing.

Much metta to me, to all tonight.

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I am always at a juncture in my life. I know that this is Life, right here, right now, under my feet, yet I’m waiting for something to happen, some new day, for Life to truly begin. Why am I waiting? What for?

This marriage was a mistake. I admit it.

Now what?

Do I stay in it?

Separate and go our separate ways?

He doesn’t understand what this is about, to him it’s about not rocking the boat.

I love someone else. Always have. Never stopped loving him from the moment I made contact with him. Realistically, he will never be mine in this lifetime either. But I’d rather be alone, than in a marriage built on a faulty foundation.

I pray for presence of mind, mindfulness, wisdom, strength, and courage through this process.

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It’s no news that gas prices are skyrocketing in the U.S. The average in my area is around $4.20 per regular unleaded gallon lately, and I see the numbers climbing not falling in the near future. Most people seem to consider this an abomination, the worst thing that has happened to humankind, unfair, obscene, you name it. I don’t enjoy paying more for gas myself, but, pause for a moment. Have you considered the positives of these high gas prices?

Americans are also driving less directly as a result of these prices. ABC News published an article on June 16, 2008 titled “Record-High Pain at the Pump Leads More Motorists to Park it / Over Half of Americans Cut Back on Driving Thanks to Soaring Gas Prices”. Isn’t this a good thing? Americans are notorious for over-driving, polluting the environment and clogging up roads.

Public transportation is up in many corners as well due to these gas prices. Read this recent article on OutsideTheBeltway.

And then here’s an article that reveals that carpooling is up thanks to gas prices also.

How can all this be a bad thing?

In my personal life, we have been talking about upgrading one of our cars (my husband’s ’97 honda civic) to a newer model; we considered a BMW Z4, a hybrid SUV, an Outback, but you know what we settled on finally? We decided to keep the Civic, and get a 150-cc scooter instead that’s drivable on the freeway also. The gas prices were definitely one of the reasons for our decision – along with the fun to be had on a Vespa!

I drive less nowadays, think before I take a trip, and combine my errands much more often.

Public transportation isn’t easy in my neighborhood, the closest bus stop is over 2 miles away. If it was more convenient, I’d definitely take the bus more often. I do hope to start driving to the nearest park and ride and take the local train more often.

Next week, I’m taking a little vacation with family, and instead of renting a car to drive from New York to Washington, DC, we’ve decided to either take a train or a bus. Part of the reason had to do with not wanting to pay a lot for gas.

I’m seeing real, measurable changes in my life and lifestyle due to the increase in gas prices, and they are all good ones.

It’s high time Americans realized that cars aren’t meant for 1 person to ride in most of the time, and there are other better, smarter ways to get around too.

Hooray for high gas prices!

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the void from a friendship

Today I miss that friend of mine who has moved back to India after being here for 15 years. She was a confidante, a partner in crime, a soul sister, a true friend. Friendships can be a tricky thing; many who call each other “friends” seem to be acquaintances at best. She is a rare gem though. Unconditional acceptance comes to her easily, I have learned from her, she’s not perfect, but lives a true life. You’re missed & I hope you’ll make your return, or else I’ll make a return to my birth country and we’ll reconnect there.

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I can feel her slipping away,

she stumbles,



slows down,

thins down.

My heart is exploding with the sheer amount of grief it tries to contain.

Is it time to let her go, peacefully, quietly, snuggled into my lap, painlessly?

Is it time to help her in her suffering?

Is she suffering?

I can’t hold onto her, I know it, I feel it, I believe it.

My incessant attachment is the root cause of my tears, heaving, pain, sorrow, grief –

my suffering.

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Connecting the dots

There are aspects of my life that are clearer now than they ever were before. The dots are starting to connect in my mind. In this process, I have realized how easy it is to say yes to a decision; and how difficult to live with the consequences on a day to day, moment to moment basis. I am at the threshold of a very important decison. But I waver back and forth between the two sides; not sure which decision I will take.

It’s not that I don’t have friends and family to talk to; but very few people in my life are able to listen to me without judgement, or preconceived notions, unconditionally, and really listen without making the decision for me, or telling me what to do, without becoming the one who solves my problem for me. To listen in the sense of Buber’s “I and Thou”, not many people have the capacity for that. That is asking too much of anyone, to be that present, to listen that unconditionally; but I rarely find people who can give me even a drop of that ocean.

Ultimately, my journey and goal is to be my own unconditional listener. Ultimately, I am enough, I can stop trying to find solace in others, I can stop trying to fill my void through others, and sit quietly and meditate, and realize that I am enough and that I have the courage and the strength to face my void, to face my decisions, to face my sadness and I can comfort mySelf.

But, I have not reached that level where I am able to be my own listener all the time. I still need the company of others, I still need others to listen to me.

Life is interesting, that’s all I can say. More than anything, it is probably a teacher.

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Did you count the raindrops today?
The flowers were calling your name.
The white of the clouds melted into the white of the snow.
If you had looked carefully,
you would have found the broken shards of my essence,
fallen into the puddles formed from the rain.

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