Archive for January, 2009

I have a little secret desire. No one knows it. No family, no friends, no virtual friends, not my therapist, nor my Dr. I will tell you what it is though, gentle reader. Here it is: I want to melt into oblivion. I want this Life to end, I also want this Death to end, I want it all to end. I am a flawed flawed human being, who does the best she can every moment, every day, and suffers, because in the end it’s my own attachment, my desire to not accept things as they are. Buddha knew. Life has suffering built into it. The origin of suffering is attachment. It is possible to end this suffering. They way to do that is the Eightfold path, a middle way. (no extremism) I’ve been walking that path the best I can, with what capacity I have. I am tired though, I want to lie down under a tree in the shadow, take deep breaths, and merge into nothingness. I want Nirvana, the Ultimate Reality, the True Freedom.

I want to dive from a tall mountain into a valley and disappear, as though I never existed, and never will.

Is suicide another path out?

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I am shivering in the cold.

May I open your skin, crawl inside, wrap you around my body like a warm blanket?

I can hear the content in your voice, the Happiness.

It sickens me.


Why did you not choose me?

I am happy. For you.

Fly away.

Last night I listened to Ajahn Brahm’s dharma talk on Love. He said, most times when people think they love someone, they actually love the way that person makes them feel. He gave this little example. If you truly loved your partner and s/heĀ  runs away with the milkman, you should be very happy. I mean, isnt’ that love? That you want them to be happy? Well, now they are happy! Instead, you would probably not be happy at all. Why is that? Because you want them to be with you. But what if being with the milkman is what makes them happy? I thought, well, I’m not angry that S has chosen someone else. So, I’m okay. I truly do love S. Then it occured to me that I may not be angry but I sure am deeply sad. And why should that be? Isn’t it because I wanted him to choose me? Instead he chose someone else. If I truly love him, then I should be happy. I look within. I am happy that he is happy. I am also sad. I suppose I truly love him and also love the way I feel when he was around me.

Now, the possibility is gone.

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An end and a beginning

Here, my marriage is on the verge of ending.

There, S is getting married, beginning a commitment, to someone he has met once, but believes that she is the piece of the puzzle that was missing.

Their family will be transformed from a triangle into a square.

I am alone.

I am so happy for him, wish him from my heart, want him to be happy in this marriage.

I am also so sad, the word “sad” cannot possibly contain the angst, the depth of my melancholy.

It was my fantasy, that sometime in the future, S and my paths would cross again, we would re-connect, he would realize that I am the one he is meant to be with after all.

What is missing for me is anger, and I don’t feel any. Do I need to feel anger to move toward total acceptance?

I leave it up to Rumi to explain my feelings for S, as they have always been, still are.

The minute I heard my first love story,

I started looking for you,

not knowing

how foolish that was.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.

They are in each other all along.

S, you were always in me, I was always in you. Still was, still am.

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