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Archive for December, 2008

Come back

When I walk past the deck door, I still glance out through the glass and look for my baby. Is she waiting by the door pawing at it? Does she want to be let in? Is she waiting patiently? It was me who took her to the vet more than six months ago to end her life. She was in visible pain, unable to eat, unable to even move much in the throes of kidney failure. Oh, the denial, the deep wrenching sadness, tears that are sitting at the edge of my heart but won’t spill. I miss my Billoo, my baby with a ferocious pain. Without thinking logically, I still wait for her to show up at my door. Maybe, just maybe, she will be there again and I will open the door and let her in and she will sit on my lap and purr and take my hand with her paw and place it on her heart and I will hug her and kiss her and she will fall asleep in my lap and warm me inside and outside and she will wake up and eat hungrily and lap up her water from a glass not a dish and watch the birds from the windows and terrorize the neighbor cats and I will love her and she will get inside my comforter and we will fall asleep back to back holding each other’s hands.

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I am addicted to translating poetry from Hindi to English and vice versa. Here’s a gem that was a part of the movie ‘Voh Lamhe‘ (‘Those moments’).

Why do I do this? I sense it fulfills a deep-seated need to bridge the gaps between the dual cultures I have grown up in and continue to straddle. A poem that I connect to in Hindi, and in English as well, makes sense to all of me, not just parts of me.

This song speaks of wanting to sleep a peaceful sleep. I too, long for that deep sleep, a contented sleep, and have been listening to this song in the middle of the night, converting it to a romantic lullaby for myself.

so jaaoon main
tum agar mere khwaabon mein aaon
mere khwaabon mein aaon

I would fall asleep if you appear in my dreams,
Appear in my dreams

kho jaaoon main
magar meri yaadon mein aaon
meri yaadon mein aaon

I would allow myself to be lost if you appear in my memories,
Appear in my memories.

jaagi nazar mein soyi nazar mein
har pal sanam tum jhilmilaaon

In wakeful sight, in slumberous sight
Sparkle in every moment, sweetheart

so jaaoon main
tum magar mere khwaabon mein aaon
mere khwaabon mein aaon

I would fall asleep if you appear in my dreams,
Appear in my dreams

kho jaaoon main
magar meri yaadon mein aaon
meri yaadon mein aaon

I would allow myself to be lost if you appear in my memories,
Appear in my memories.

meri khushi mein shaamil raho tum
iss zindagi mein shaamil raho tum

Be a part of my happiness,
Be a part of my life

yun toh hai laakhon armaan dil mein
mehfil mein jaan-e-mehfil raho tum

A million desires linger in my heart, so to speak
Remain the life-of-the-party at any gathering

hothon pe mere shaam savere
yun hi sanam tum muskuraaon

At dawn or dusk, on my lips,
Smile just like this, sweetheart

so jaaoon main
tum agar mere khwaabon mein aaon

mere khwaabon mein aaon
I would fall asleep if you appear in my dreams,
Appear in my dreams

kho jaaoon main
tum meri yaadon mein aaon
meri yaadon mein aaon

I would allow myself to be lost if you appear in my memories,
Appear in my memories.

banke sitara aankhon mein chamko
in aati jaati saanson mein mehko

Become a star, and light up my eyes,
May your fragrance be in all my breaths

bas jaaon aake tum meri jaan mein
dil banke mere seene mein dhadko

Come and stay in my Life,
Be a heart and throb in my chest

tum mujhko chaho baas mujhko chaho
saare jahaan ko bhul jaaon

Love me, love only me
Forget the entire world

so jaaoon main
tum agar mere khwaabon mein aaon
mere khwaabon mein aaon

I would fall asleep if you appear in my dreams,
Appear in my dreams

kho jaaoon main
tum agar meri yaadon mein aaon
meri yaadon mein aaon

I would allow myself to be lost if you appear in my memories,
Appear in my memories.

jaagi nazar mein soyi nazar mein
har pal sanam tum jhilmilaaon

In wakeful sight, in slumberous sight
Sparkle in every moment, sweetheart

so jaaoon main
tum agar mere khwaabon mein aaon
mere khwaabon mein aaon

I would fall asleep if you appear in my dreams,
Appear in my dreams

kho jaaoon main
tum agar meri yaadon mein aaon
meri yaadon mein aaon

I would allow myself to be lost if you appear in my memories,
Appear in my memories.

Film        Voh Lamhe (“Those moments”)
Directed by     Mohit Suri
Written by     Mahesh Bhatt (Story)
Starring     Shiney Ahuja, Kangna Ranaut
Music by     Pritam
Release date    September 29, 2006
Country     India
Language     Hindi
Singers     Kunal Ganjawala and Shreya Ghoshal

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This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in saftey,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease!

Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings:
Radiating kindness over the entire world
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.

Not born again. Not born. Not.

I am on a middle-path, prescribed by a Buddha 2550 years ago. To one day extinguish like a flame that dies out, to be free of the cycles of birth & death, to be and to not be simultaneously.

Yesterday, I took the decision to leave R, my husband, at least temporarily. The web of abuse, anger, depression, inertia, unfairness that both of us were caught in needs to be broken. I do not know if we will reconcile. I do know that this time apart is necessary. May we both do some self-work and prioritize our lives and come together to make a permanent decision.

It is time to grow up. To be a responsible adult, live independently, and put my heart and soul into studying to be a therapist. It is time to learn to live with mySelf.

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I dedicate this human birth to the goal of nirvana.

Oh, suffering, I bow to you today.

You have lead me to seek the ultimate reality.

Nirvana on a householder’s path, nirvana on a renunciate’s path,

two boats rowing toward the same shore.

Been sitting in the first boat, want to sit in the other one now.

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