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Archive for October, 2008

Yesterday night mom, papa and I went to the dandiya
/ raas get together for navratri. As we entered,
they told us to put our names and numbers on our
tickets for a raffle. I was writing them out, and
thought I've never one any of these types of things
in my life, but have a feeling one of us will win
tonight. So I wrote the names very legibly, then
entered the cell numbers, put all 3 of our names on
the tickets, and handed them over. Then forgot about
it. I danced some, mom socialized, dad sat on the
sidelines and watched, then we left very early
because papa got overwhelmed and teary eyed, he's
been very depressed lately and the commotion and
crowd turned out to be too much for him. I said
let's go home, no big deal, we can come back next
weekend, so we left early before the aarti. Today
friend of my mom's told her we missed seeing you
later and your husband won the raffle and they were
calling his name for a long time and they'll call
you. I'm not surprised at all that my dad won that raffle.

I knew one of us would.

These experiences are beginning to get very
eerie.

No, it's not eerie actually. I used the wrong word.
There is a little bit of fear inside actually with
these experiences. The same fear I felt in that dream
of the Buddha statue opening one eye, fear of a realm
that feels new (even though it isn't, it's as old as
Life itself), it feels new, and therefore a fear of
the new, the unknown.

I have also felt this fear as a child, in moments of a
strong connection to the Universe, of "wanting"
moksha, and then a feeling that I'm actually "getting"
there, and then a fear, a "I asked for this and I'm
getting it and is this what I really even want? No,
maybe I'll retrieve into the mundane, the ordinary."

The experiences continue. I was thinking about my
kathak teacher from India who came here in the summer
of '96 and wondering where she is, and I look her up,
and find out she's been coming to Seattle every summer
to teach, and she's performing with her students in
Seattle next weekend. This woman is a professor in
Delhi and lives there. I thought of her after  years,
and she's performing 1 week away, 3 hours from me,
just enough time for me to make plans to go meet and
reconnect with her, maybe.

I emailed an author I'm very fond of, out of the blue,
3-4 years ago, Irene Vilar, found her email address
online. She wrote back. We've exchanged a few emails.
I told her of my depression as a teenager and how her
writing had helped me, so she got worried about me. I
wrote her back a few months ago, she responded, but I
didn't write back - inertia. I was just thinking, I
should let Irene know that I'm fine, why let her worry
about my suffering, and got another email from her -
THAT SAME INSTANT (after months). She said, she had
been thinking of me, hoping I'm doing OK.

I can make myself fall sick, at times. I have told
people that I'm feeling like I'm catching something, a
fever, not feeling well, when in fact I've been
feeling completely fine (I have said it to gather some
TLC, some attention, pity?) - Yes, I've lied. But 24
hours later, I'm actually sick and have a fever. The
pretend becomes real. This has happened more than
once. If I claim I have a stomach ache, it becomes a
stomach ache, if I claim I have a fever, it becomes a
fever, I can choose. I don't lie about being sick
anymore. Manipulating people that way was a bad idea
to begin with.

The fear rises and dissolves. When it dissolves, I
want to merge into the ocean, a flame that
extinguishes, and I'm willing to see clearly, with
deeper and deeper mindfulness, into my feelings,
thoughts, desires, conditioning, lives, karma, the
cycles. I will merge, I will disappear.

And if he is intuitive the way I am, and I know he
is, then he will know what I'm saying here, he is
hearing what is said and also what is left unsaid.
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Paths of life

Did the Buddha say that to reach Nirvana, one has to take on the life of a renunciate and become a monk or nun? That is, is it possible, according to the Buddha, to reach Nirvana, be enlightened, while living the life of a householder? I do understand that after one is enlightened, one may live as a householder, or a renunciate, or neither… But I wish to know about the life of a person who is seeking enlightenment and his/her greatest desire is to seek an end to suffering? I imagine the answer is to reach Nirvana, one may either be a householder or a renunciate. Once you reach the other side of the shore, you have no need for the boat. Whether that boat was that of a householder, or a nun, or something else altogether. Yet, I’d like to get this knowledge from those who are experienced and speak with mindfulness.

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I’m here. I’m alive. I’ll come back. I’ll write again.

I fell into a hole of inertia.

I am climbing my way out.

I tried to hide.

But Life found me.

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