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Archive for January, 2008

I can feel her slipping away,

she stumbles,

vomits,

weakens,

slows down,

thins down.

My heart is exploding with the sheer amount of grief it tries to contain.

Is it time to let her go, peacefully, quietly, snuggled into my lap, painlessly?

Is it time to help her in her suffering?

Is she suffering?

I can’t hold onto her, I know it, I feel it, I believe it.

My incessant attachment is the root cause of my tears, heaving, pain, sorrow, grief –

my suffering.

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while you were pursuing one wounded woman after another, consoling her, encouraging her, supporting her, being betrayed by her, saving her, financing her, loving her, making love to her, praying for her, demonizing her, scolding her, mothering her, fathering her, deityfying her, begging her, curing her, being manipulated by her, reading to her, crying for her, losing her, finding her, meditating for her, writing to her, suffering for her, being confused by her, losing your sanity over her,

i was here,

waiting,

for you.

i did not require nor wanted to be saved.

you were ambivalent at best when i asked about us in a relationship.

i compromised.

your marital search is returning no results.

you won’t compromise.

who you want, you won’t find.

what you think you want has never been good for you.

if you truly wanted a synchronous unconditional mutual fulfilling spiritual poetic truthful authentic playful generous love, you might have given me: a chance.

not that half-hearted morning after the soul touching night that we made love.

here we are.

you continue your fruitless search.

i learn to live with and love another, while loving you.

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simultaneous love

now i’m falling in love with you again.

this reconnection between us

fills me up and empties me at the same time.

i can love you physicallymentallyemotionallysocially

but, not spiritually.

that bond is reserved for him.

i knew the minute i read the first sentence written by him

he is me, and i, him.

we are not separate, but one soul, splintered into two bodies.

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I just came back from a month long trip to India. Two weeks of it was spent in Mumbai, with other grad school students, to learn and study about counseling and social work in India. A profound trip. The need for therapists and therapy is much greater in India than here in the U.S. I am tempted to move back to this country I was born in. Some photos.

Room in Atmadarshan We stayed at a Catholic retreat center, Atmadarshan. Our rooms were simple, clean, and met all our needs. In some way, staying here became a retreat for me.

Bathroom at Atmadarshan Attached bathroom.

more boats A fishing village in Vasai, Thane district.

fishing boat

fishing

Elephanta Elephanta caves. I was awed to be blessed to see these 1500 years old sculptures.

elephanta caves Some survives, some breaks off.

Drying fish Fish drying in Vasai.

creative handicrafts Women working at Creative Handicrafts, Andheri. An amazing NGO, that provides employment to women in need and is a fair trade organization.

More boys in vasai Boys love to pose!

Boys in vasai Playing.

In andheri Boy in Andheri who graciously posed for me.

woman working Woman working at Creative Handicrafts.

garbage Water bottles thrown at elephanta caves. It pains me to see people treat their environment this way.

village

vasai

street shopping Street shopping.

street sign

sewing Making stuffed animals at creative handicrafts.

rickshaw

pillars

kitten Stray kitten on the road. I was petting him for a long time, could not let go. He loved the human touch. These animals scavenge for food and shelter, but who provides them love?

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