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Archive for March, 2007

I have made a commitment to do breathing exercises, meditation, and yoga daily for 40 days. A dear friend of mine, S, is guiding and supporting me in this endeavor. It all started in a conversation I had with him where he asked me what my ultimate goal is in this life. That didn’t take much thought; my deepest desire and ultimate goal is to be free from this cycle of re-birth and death, free from suffering, to reach nirvana as Buddha called it, or moksha as it is referred to in Hindu literature. He offered to be a catalyst for me on this path, to give me some pointers that will help me move forward toward my goal. I happily accepted his generous offer. He sent me a detailed email about which and how many breathing exercises (pranayam) I need to do for each 10-day period, along with a video of Swami Ramdev demonstrating the exercises. He has given me some general guidelines regarding my diet. So, here I am.

I am ready for the house cleaning. I have no expectations of magic or miracles, just doing it as open mindedly as I possibly can as an experiment.

A while ago, I had taken a yoga class from a teacher who understood the deep significance of it, and he asked us to practice yoga daily for 4 weeks before deciding if we wanted to continue it or not; he had read that 28 is a significant number (as in 28 days) if we want to bring yoga practice into our daily lives. Whether 28 or 40, our bodies and minds definitely need some extended period of practice to absorb any new changes permanently. I am ready for my commitment to this practice for 40 days.

I will aim to not miss any day in this 40 day period. If, by chance I do though, I have decided that I will add 4 more days for every day that I miss.

As committed as I feel at this moment, I do have the fear inside of me of my own lack of discipline. I want to do this for myself, yet am afraid that my lack of discipline will get in my own way, again. I suppose that is also part of the journey though, facing this fear and going into it and challenging it head-on.

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Connecting the dots

There are aspects of my life that are clearer now than they ever were before. The dots are starting to connect in my mind. In this process, I have realized how easy it is to say yes to a decision; and how difficult to live with the consequences on a day to day, moment to moment basis. I am at the threshold of a very important decison. But I waver back and forth between the two sides; not sure which decision I will take.

It’s not that I don’t have friends and family to talk to; but very few people in my life are able to listen to me without judgement, or preconceived notions, unconditionally, and really listen without making the decision for me, or telling me what to do, without becoming the one who solves my problem for me. To listen in the sense of Buber’s “I and Thou”, not many people have the capacity for that. That is asking too much of anyone, to be that present, to listen that unconditionally; but I rarely find people who can give me even a drop of that ocean.

Ultimately, my journey and goal is to be my own unconditional listener. Ultimately, I am enough, I can stop trying to find solace in others, I can stop trying to fill my void through others, and sit quietly and meditate, and realize that I am enough and that I have the courage and the strength to face my void, to face my decisions, to face my sadness and I can comfort mySelf.

But, I have not reached that level where I am able to be my own listener all the time. I still need the company of others, I still need others to listen to me.

Life is interesting, that’s all I can say. More than anything, it is probably a teacher.

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Today, words fail me. So I will borrow Gulzar-ji’s words to express my feelings; sometimes I feel like he has looked into my mind, heart and soul and captured my feelings and emotions in brilliant poetic words, words that refuse to come out of me.

“Mujhko bhi tarqeeb sikha koi yaar julaahe!

Aksar tujhko dekha hai ki taana buntay

Jab koi taagaa toot gayaa ya khtam hua

Phir say baandh kay

Aur siraa koi jod kay usmay

Aage bunnay lagtay ho

Tere is taanay may lekin

Ik bhi gaanth girh buntar kee

Dekh nahi sakta hai koi

Maine tho ik baar buna tha ek hee rishta

Lekin uskee saaree girhain

Saaf nazar aatee hain mere yaar julaahe!

Mujhko bhi tarqeeb sikha koi yaar julaahe!

I won’t be able to do justice to this poem with a proper translation in English. But, this is my personal translation of the meaning, what my perception of the poet’s words mean.

“Teach me a trick too, my friend. Often, I have seen you weave a thread (that is, relationship). When that thread (i.e. relationship) breaks apart or ends, you are able to tie it together or add something to it and continue weaving that thread. In this thread of yours though, no one can see any knots. Me, I wove together only one relationship. But now, I am able to see all the knots in it clearly, my friend. Teach me a trick too, my friend.”

Why am I not able to move forward from that one past relationship, and accept the one I am in now? Why do I not want to?

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Late night musings

Pen to paper, been too long since I have written. Fear of writing, perfectionism after all.

Deep, deep loneliness and connection at the same time. No one can fill this void for me. RB (my therapist) where are you? I am craving a genuine connection.

R, love me, make love to me, kiss me. I am a beggar, I beg for affection. Our desires and needs aren’t fulfilling each other.

Now, I am a nagging wife. I nag him for love and he is tired of the same topic. But, tell me this. When did you initiate love in this marriage? Give me a chance, he says. I wait, but I am not a patient person.

In the afternoon, I wanted a different kind of love. Now, I want nothing. No, I do. I want any love – anyone’s genuine love – but I don’t feel it. All phone calls, emails, hugs, kisses, conversations leave me dry. Is there no one to fill me up here?

Knowing is one thing, I know we are all One, but I am not able to feel it. Is this depression?

I don’t pull my weight around here.

Beautiful, sweetheart, he calls me. But I am paying a heavy price for those compliments. He loves me and hates me. I feel the same way.

He left me alone when I needed him the most. I am angry.

Wake up, R, kiss me hard.

No one’s listening.

I want to work and make money.

Then I can decide where I live.

Then I can get a haircut.

Then I can eat at subway without guilt.

Then I can get a membership to the Japanese Garden.

Then I can go on a meditation retreat.

Then I can buy a mini-gift for me.

Then I can give gifts without guilt.

Then I can donate.

Then I can help save the earth.

Then I can give something to the blind school in Indore, in India.

Then I can put something in the portland insight meditation community’s donation box.

Then I can breathe easier.

No one’s writing me back – friendless again.

I hate R for not loving me. I don’t hate S for not loving me – oh, he does love me. Not romantically, but that’s an ephemeral love anyway. I was wrong. This one does love me. And I don’t hate him. I have tried to, and I couldn’t. I understand him, and maybe no one else has understood me the way he has.

This is all upside down.

What is love anyway? Attachment, lust, attraction, chemistry, same sense of humour, same people to get angry at, that it is not. Compassion, understanding, unconditional acceptance, friendship, recognition, is it?

Radical Acceptance.

Understanding.

Insomnia. Fearful. Nightmares. Anxiety. Sadness. Loneliness. Heavy heart. Angry. Alone. Lost.

How to reach my goals? How to meditate? How to be brave and face inner realities?

Very scared of the dark and the silence. Disconnected.

One thing I know for sure: I will survive this. I am not feeling connection now, but all states are temporary. Some day, I will feel connected again.

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meet me

my words

pristine

pre-washed

bleached & rinsed,

reached out for you

written for you

meant for you.

did you see what was hidden under the sanitization?

did you even try?

or did you pretend to be more average than you are?

i see you, saw you then.

you can’t hide,

why do you even want to?

meet me.

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pointers

pointers for me?

point me to you.

i point to you.

i am your pointer.

you point to me.

if i opened your thoughts

cracked them hard like a raw egg

among your poetry and suffering and angst and love

you will find

my thoughts

my feelings

my entropy.

why did you say no?

offer me an alternate reality?

why?

feel me, i am here,

iaminyou.

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Regretfulness

you asked

i said yes

so easy, yet

so hard.

one word can change lives.

it can destroy.

my regrets haven’t died, they creep up out of the sand,

raise their voices,

they tell me i compromised.

ask me why.

why did he not love me?

I am him, I am in him.

Can he rid himself of me?

I am in his blood, flow in his veins,

I breathe in him.

But I live and love another.

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