Archive for September, 2005


My pain is others’ pain, theirs’ mine.
Bowed to a baby deer, s/he bowed to me,
was scared but didn’t run,
we were both in the present moment.

My sandal broke, one I love.
Beginning middle end.
Lost my scrunchie on the walk.
Beginning middle end.

(From my paper journal; written at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, CA)

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Going into Retreat

Silence will prevail for a week, and I want words, sentences, conversations for now, to tide me over. Can I handle so much silence? Can I handle so much me?
One moment at a time. The anxiety of waiting for a bus, and then a cab. Where is it? It’s late already.
People wait. An overly anxious mother-daughter pair. Two well-dressed middle aged women from opposite coasts who have connected briefly — and then will separate, but right now giggle like best friends. And old woman brought here on a wheelchair, a bit confused, talks to her luggage, says, “Now behave! I don’t have time to argue with you. Close already!” As though the luggage and she are an old married couple!
In the bus now, calm takes over me and everyone else too it seems. We know where we are, where we are going. Ahhh….
Will I fall into a void for five days? Come out on the other end or be swallowed up in the abyss?
The bus driver squints his eyes in the bright California sun.
I find companions to Spirit Rock – two women who will share a cab with me. I smile, them too. Comrades. Fellow meditators and yogis. This will be easy now.
The bus driver who made the sarcastic remark earlier is now awfully nice. His white teeth show under his mustache as he talks, the right molar extra sharp. Was he a bear in a past lifetime? The beary smile makes me feel warm and fuzzy though. A helper, he’ll answer questions happily now. He’s running late, his mistake has made him apologetic and nice.
Oakland is industrial from here. Palm trees pop up — a sure sign I’m in California.
Mountains with patchy bald spots are cropping up.
I remember a conversation with R from last night. He wants a daughter if we ever have children, just like me! I’m delighted, joyous, happy at the thought of our future daughter.
This is the journey. It begins.

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