Archive for February, 2005

What am I grateful for today

Today, the sunshine, the fresh air. The oxygen in the air that seeps into my brain and every cell in my body, and makes me giddy to be alive. The blue sky, the greenery.

R’s kindness and generosity for accepting to help me in my time of need — cheerfully, happily.

The trees, majestic, always there. Today I’m grateful for this possibility to be here, now. The potential.

The kindness of this teacher.

Intentions for today

  • to untangle me from my mental writing block and to start writing
  • to learn to express myself by showing not telling
  • techniques to learn creative writing

Transitions between Winter and Spring

Wintertime Questions:

  1. Where in my life do I need rest and renewal?

Mental and emotional rest. After going through this family crisis which may yet go on, and being in urgency crisis mode, I need mental rest and emotional rest. I need to rest my mind, my thoughts. I need renewal in my family. Renewal in my lifestyle, in my daily routine. Rest — being able to walk through the house not worried about stepping on someone’s toes, or getting caught in an illogical argument. Rest & Renewal – of my spiritual self, my inner core that has been fragmented and hurt. Rest for that little girl inside.

2. What external obstacles stand in the way of that rest and renewal?

  • My dad, his mental disorders, his personality.
  • My mom, her personalities.
  • Our house, which no longer feels like a home.
  • Lack of work and purpose in my life.

3. What internal obstacles stand in the way of this rest and renewal?

  • My depression and its’ cycles.
  • My inertia, lack of sustaining momentum.
  • My fears – fear of not making it, of being left alone.
  • My anger – at the world, at myself.

4. Write about one of the internal obstacles.

Depression. One day feeling purpose, action, moving on, making peace with the past and another day feeling hopeless, flat-mood, can’t muster the energy to move forward. Some days, a deep longing, emptiness, when I want to curl up into a ball and disappear. I fold myself like a baby, my knees touch my forehead, I grasp my knees tightly, sometimes I rock myself while I cry. Tears that won’t stop and the pounding in the brain starts. I want to cry myself into oblivion – I want to disappear. My mind goes through my entire life in flashes and I want the suffering to stop.

And one day, it does. Not by dying, but through life. The air feels fresh again, stings me inside. The cycles continue though.

5. What is the kindest thing you could do for yourself?

Forgive myself, over and over, and continue to strive to be in the moment and do what needs to be done then. Get outside help – beyond therapy, maybe medicines. Do something meaningful with myself and do work that brings the satisfaction of doing work. Understand that this is a process after all- be gentle with myself.

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